2:43 am
Question:
2:43 am I think I a m doomed to use my intelligence to keep myself in turmoil because I am plagued by a pervasive feeling of emptiness and always have been. The best I can do is to produce music and art as a constructive way to use this impulse. Art is very therapeutic. (care to comment?) Saturday, November 16th, 2002 6:32 pm Chimichanga and a panic attack to go I’m frightened of fat Mexican women in Taquerias The kind with little shrines to Our Lady of Guadalupe On the Wall Because I figure they can see the demons inside me The demons my mother says are there Making me frightened Frightened of fat Mexican women in Taquerias (care to comment?) Friday, November 15th, 2002 10:54 pm At night I can still feel the dysphoria but it is distant, like in another room. So much so that I can work. I bet it has something to do with the buuildup of dopamine in my brain. (3 thoughts | care to comment?) 5:47 pm Alright, got the videos returned and got something to eat. Now back here. Got a salad for later. Feel bad for mom. current music: Melting Euphoria – Point Me at the Sky (3 thoughts | care to comment?) 4:42 pm Recent developments So depressed feel like in a full-body physical pain mood is about -2/-3. Find I can’t really do much of anything except lie here and wait for the pain to go away. Often feel on the verge of death, generally speaking. Major goal left for today is to go downstairs and return these two video tapes. Major accomplishment for the day was getting dressed and buying a couple of breakfast burritos across the street then sitting out in the sun in the courtyard for around 10 minutes. Felt self-conscious being looked at by the guy coiling hose by the pool, like I was drunk, still with a clear glass of water in my hand (booze?) looking like maybe I didn’t belong there. Slunk back to my room. Dr. Khoury called. They FINALLY noticed their horrible computer typo in my prescription. He asked me to accepted his apology and I accepted it. Said Kaiser should have caught the fact that 600mg a day of Topamax was way above the prescribed level and recognized it as a typo. Personally I’ve got my money on RU-486 to pull me out of the psychotic depression. Maybe the next Dr., Dr. Lee will go for it. Called Dr. Creiger at Kaiser to see about getting my mask refitted
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